Deepening Your Meditation Practice

Meditation can be a tricky business. You sit down, get situated, scratch your nose…now what? On the one hand you feel like you should be putting in some effort in order to get something out of it in return, and on the other hand, we expect to sit there and let the wisdom of the ages flood into our being and bring us to enlightenment. When in reality it’s not that simple.

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Many of us enter into a meditation practice with expectations like “I want to increase my happiness” or “I’m going to reduce my anxiety” or “I will quiet my anger and jealousy.” While these are all great intentions, they’re more like happy bi-products from your meditation practice.

Without having a clear understanding of what you’re doing you may end up day dreaming, kicking yourself every time a thought pops into your head, or becoming disappointed when you don’t feel anything happening.

So, the most important thing is that you understand the ultimate goal of meditation.

The ultimate goal of meditation is to immerse yourself in, and fully experience your own consciousness and awareness, or your True Self.

Say what now?

I believe that your True Self, is who you are without the labels of time and space (gender, weight, occupation, race, social status). Ask yourself who you are at your core, without the stuff that can be written down on paper. Your unique you-ness. The part of you that doesn’t change or grow like age, intellect, and height. That is your awareness.

It’s the same right now as it was when you were three years old, and the same as when you’re 90.

It’s the constant backdrop on which the moments of your life are experienced. Like beads on a string. So really, the Self is not some far deep down place we need to journey to, requiring hours of meditation. It’s always there, and all we need to do is recognize it.

As Sally Kempton says in her book Meditation for the Love of It, “The work of meditation is to coax the mind into letting go of the perceptions and ideas that keep it stuck, so it can expand and reveal itself as it really is.”

Here are some tips to deepen your meditation practice without feeling confused or discouraged:

  • Do not freak out when you have a thought, try to push away thoughts, judge yourself as a failure for having thoughts, or get fixed on the contents of a thought.
  • Perceive with loving tenderness the energy that comes up for you during meditation.  Notice each thought or feeling, say hi to it, and let it keep on going. When you find yourself getting too caught up in thoughts, come back to your breath and start again. The practice is really about learning how to starting again when you drift off, not staying fully centered.
  • Don’t challenge your “Self” to show up in a big way. “Ok, I’m meditating now, show me what ya got!” You’ll ultimately be let down. Instead, just sit and observe with no expectations.
  • Bring forth an attitude of love, gentleness, and trust. The Self is love, and it will draw closer to an attitude of love.
  • Don’t force yourself into meditation with a feeling of strict inflexibility. “UGH, I don’t have time for this but I know I HAVE to meditate.” Nope. Not happening.
  • Treat your practice as sacred. Create a beautiful space that invites you in. Set it up in a way that makes you yearn for the time you spend in meditation. Many people like to set up an altar, but I find that word can be a bit religious and scare people off. Use another word or phrase if it feels better, like “my happy corner.” See it as a gift from yourself, to yourself so you’ll want to say “Thanks, me!” In time, the good energy you bring to this place will come to evoke feelings of relaxation, happiness, stillness and clarity, every time you go to it.
  • Don’t feel Isolated or alone. Cuz you’re not.
  • Trust that there is a greater power beyond you that connects all things. I know, just go there with me. There is a grace, a spirit that you connect with during meditation, that will support and guide you. If you prefer to connect to something tangible, go right ahead. Some people like to evoke the energy of a religious figure or maybe an ancient master. You may even want to call forth something more personal like your inner-guide or guardian angels if you so choose.
  • Don’t try to stifle your emotions that are going on for you in that moment.
  • Ask for help. If you are feeling restless, anxious, skeptical, bored, or anything that is going to take away from your stillness, offer it up to the universe, or your chosen inner guide, and ask for help. If you are struggling with a problem, offer it up at the beginning of your practice: “I offer these feelings so they can be transformed, and I may see this situation differently.”

You may find that when learning to trust your inner experiences you may be guided by your intuition toward a clearer course of action in your outer life. When gaining a deeper understanding of the true self, the fears, negative thoughts and suffering (which are merely products of our own misunderstanding of our ego) may be released. Happy happy, joy joy!

One Healthy Breakdown: meditation is a gift accessible to all, take advantage!

*Caroline O’Neill is a year round Hamptons resident and health and wellness lifestyle blogger of Bloom & Spark with a passion for nutrition, yoga, food, spirituality and personal development.

Healthy Communication

Communication is a skill we use every single day. Preparing for my upcoming wedding and attending Precana this past weekend has me thinking a lot about communication, arguably the number one most important factor in a relationship. To me, healthy communication is the ability to clearly express how we feel. While it sounds so easy, when emotions and different opinions are added into the mix, effective communication becomes quite challenging. I know I’ve gotten pretty darn good at the silent treatment, but it really doesn’t get me anywhere near a resolution…so, I’m committing to be less silent and more communicative. Who’s with me?!

Couple Holding Hands With the new season starting, it’s the perfect time to identify some personal goals and things to work on; communication is a great place to start. Whether you’ve been married for 50 years, you’re in a new relationship, or you just want to get along better with friends and family, communication is something we can all strengthen. Here are some tips on healthy communication and constructive arguments (adapted from A Decision to Love by John and Susan Midgley.)

1. Focus on you. We can’t change others, we can only change ourselves. Instead of “you always/never do this,” use “I wish you would/wouldn’t ___ because it makes me feel ____.

2. Focus on your feelings instead of what others are doing wrong. Feelings aren’t debatable, we all feel how we feel and have the right to express them. Understand that arguing should be an opportunity to share and validate your feelings, not to prove right vs. wrong.

3. Deep breaths. Take a breath and a moment to collect yourself in order to remain calm. As soon as we lose our cool and get heated, that’s when things turn for the worst and communication becomes unhealthy and ineffective.

4. Take turns. Instead of a screaming match where nothing is heard because you’re both going at it at once, allow each other to finish the thought and then respond. It’s much cleaner that way.

5. Maintain eye contact throughout the conversation. This will keep your attention and show respect. Looking at the person will also help to remind you that you’re upset about the disagreement, but that your feelings for the other person have not changed.

6. Keep it simple and focused. Argue about what you’re arguing about instead of bringing up past issues or other topics. Being direct can solve the problem at hand instead of leading into a blow-out fight where neither participant even knows why you’re fighting.

7. Remain respectful. Don’t bring up sensitive spots that don’t even relate just to knock the other person down. An argument can only be healthy when there’s a level of mutual respect. Cheap shots don’t get anyone anywhere.

8. Last but definitely not least: LISTEN. Yes, share your part, but really listen to what the other person has to say. They may just tell you something you didn’t know or change your perspective on the issue at hand. If nothing else, they deserve your attention when expressing their feelings and vice versa. Learning occurs through listening.

One Healthy Breakdown: Arguing is healthy, normal, and inevitable. We all do it. But is it constructive or destructive? Healthy or unhealthy?

Pheonix Rising Yoga

Are you looking for a yoga practice for increasing your awareness and empowering yourself to live more fully? Phoenix Rising Yoga, a process-based therapeutic yoga experience, may be a good fit for you. The practice is done either one-on-one or in a class with a certified practitioner. Through this process, clients have the opportunity to release old traumas, personal beliefs and out-of-date habits and patterns to then move more fully into life with a new perspective.

Young Woman Meditating on the FloorDuring one-on-one sessions, practitioner-assisted yoga postures and open-ended, non-directive dialogue is used to touch upon things that may not come up in normal talk therapy. The client is guided thru a physical experience in the present moment and whatever happens in that moment, be it physical, emotional, intellectual or spiritual, is then discussed and processed. The connection between what showed up on the mat and how that intertwines with your daily life, thru work, play, family and relationships is explored.

In a class setting, the practitioner guides clients thru a sequence of postures and experiences with individual body and breath. Clients are encouraged, through language, to find their own expression of a posture, not an ideal expression of it. It’s about individual interpretation, not perfection. Eyes are closed to maximize the internal experience. The class typically has a theme and the postures and language support that theme. Connections between daily life and life on the mat are explored during the class.

Many clients that have tried Pheonix Rising Yoga report gaining a new perspective, a powerful experience, and being able to feel deeper into themselves, to feel places and emotions they normally wouldn’t. Classes are taught at Mandala Yoga in Amagansett. Michelle Beebee is a psychotherapist and Phoenix Rising Yoga Teacher in Sag Harbor. (If you are interested in contacting her, email kiley@onehealthyhamptons.com for contact information.)

One Healthy Breakdown: As a social worker turned fitness junkie, I can totally appreciate the power of integrating yoga into therapy. This is BIG, Pheonix Rising is here to stay.

Back to Basics at IET

IETUntil recently, I thought I kind of had it down, when it came to exercise. I varied my routine, I made sure to move my body everyday, I thought I was on the right track. It’s that ‘I work out a lot, I know what’s best for my body’ attitude. I also knew that I had big problems, lots of pain, and that it wasn’t going away, regardless of everything I’d tried. Over the years, I’ve had to give up running for stints at a time due to knee pain from what I’d been told was extra cartilage under my kneecap (cue knee surgery in both knees 10 years ago.) When the pain didn’t go away, I was told I had IT band syndrome (tried physical therapy, chiropractic, acupuncture, etc.) Different day, same problems, different treatments, same frustration!

Well, thank goodness I stopped into Integrated Exercise Therapy (IET, Montauk Highway in Bridgehampton) a couple of weeks ago, because, I learned more about my own body in an hour than I have in a decade, maybe two. I had no idea what to expect, but I was desperate for answers, and relief! Andrew Reilly, owner of IET, happened to have a few free minutes to help. We skipped the small talk and I instantly found myself up, down, and all around. Andrew clearly knows his stuff, he was on autopilot, assigning me to simple maneuvers, like a basic squat, then commenting at how I failed pretty much every one, just as he’d suspected. Ouch, good thing I didn’t take it personally!

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First, Andrew explained that my breathing’s all wrong. Breathing? In and out? What could I possibly be doing so wrong? A lot. I didn’t title this article “back to basics” for nothin’! Treatment started with the very first action I learned as a baby. Andrew taught me how to breathe correctly, deep inhales, expanding the belly and diaphragm both far and wide. Our culture is taught to “suck it in,” pull the belly in while we inhale, but that makes no sense. If we’re taking air into our bodies, we’d clearly expand to make room for it. Since IET, I now practice my breathing every morning, taking ten deep breaths, ensuring that I fill my diaphragm and stomach and exhale fully.

After I’d learned how to breathe, (a practice that requires daily focus and attention, especially when exercising) we moved on to the first year of my life: rolling over and crawling. Failed again. Here’s where the basis of corrective exercise comes in. If we can’t even roll over or crawl, we cannot advance to other exercises, at least not efficiently. Back to basics. I’d have to re-teach my body, and cement in my brain how to do these correctly before even thinking about intense exercise; you don’t walk before you crawl, you don’t kick-box, cross-train, or fun five miles either!

So, where does the magic happen? Not in the muscles, but in the brain. By performing simple actions, first releasing the tight spot, and then activating the correct movements, time after time after time, until it becomes automatic. Each new movement has to be right, so the work is done in small increments, about 8-10 reps before the muscles fail and retract back to old habits. We remember how to move our body by storing memory in our cerebellum. If we learn wrong, or an injury throws us off, we start compensating for the lack of correct movements. Our brain learns to depend on the compensation and then stores that incorrect movement. For me, when I would do squats or run, or even daily walking, my calves, IT bands, and TFLs were compensating for my glutes. When smaller muscles compensate for the largest muscle in the body, (glutes) those muscles are bound to be overused, hence the discomfort. Unbenounced to me, my calves were insanely tight. When Andrew stuck his thumb in there to loosen the muscles, I had tears in my eyes from the pain. Don’t worry, I forgave him (after the session was done.)

Andrew sent me ‘homework’ in the form of three short videos showing how to roll my muscles with a foam roller and lacrosse ball, followed with a few exercises to fire up the glutes. The goal of IET, whether the client is a professional athlete or a 90 year-old person is to re-learn the basics, perfect the breathing and alignment, and begin to go about daily tasks correctly. This can be done in a matter of one or two sessions because the real work is done at home, over and over.

I went back to IET for a follow-up and saw Molly, who had experienced similar problems and also had to retrain her glutes, by going back to the basics, in order to improve her running. Molly walked me through exercise after exercise to use and strengthen my glutes and my entire core. Since the core is the body’s powerhouse, we move most efficiently when we have a strong core to do the work. From leg lifts to inner and outer thigh-strengtheners, to plank, and basic crawling, the focus is on precision. There’s no faking it at IET, each movement must be done correctly to efficiently retrain the brain.

Molly explained that most people who walk into IET complain of low back pain, most likely due to sitting at a desk day after day. Human nature teaches us how to move from day one, but life’s daily obligations sometimes deter us from efficient movement. IET gets us back to basics. It’s a process, it takes dedication and patience, but it’s brilliant, simple, and just makes sense.  And, it works.

One Healthy Breakdown: I went back to square one with IET.  I learned A TON about how our bodies operate, and I’m ready to put it into action. Ready, glutes?!